I didn't know how I'd go at being a dad. It turns out I love the experience and I am good at it. Mind you thewife does 90 per cent of the actual work—because of my disabilities and her preference for domestic excellence—but in terms of emotional and actual availability I am there with boots on.When I had my seventh psych assessment the assessor asked about my childhood; how it was. I said it was "neutral". He I asked what I meant.
Articles from Harrangue Man
I was up until just before five am, awash with gas pain and unable to sleep. I woke before ten still bloated and pain wracked. I had pain meds then spent the morning drifting about in a haze of fuddled mind and bloated distention. Then I saw I hadn't take my head pill last night—the one my brain now chemically needs in order to fall asleep. I'd been in that kitchen more than a dozen times during the failed mission to sleep and I can't believe I didn't notice it.
I was musing in the shed when there was this horrid, repeated scratching-on-metal sound through the outside metal wall—the shed making up part of "the wall", the chicken pen fence that separates them from us.I went out. They were clustered behind the fence near the shed door. The big one had been scratching and pecking.They looked up at me and clucked with menace—with the implication that the shed wall noise would continue if I did not meet their demands.I caved.
Abraham Lincoln from one of the Lincoln–Douglas debates for the senate race in Illinois, 1858.Lincoln:That is the real issue. That is the issue that will continue in this country when these poor tongues of Judge Douglas and myself shall be silent. It is the eternal struggle between these two principles—right and wrong—throughout the world.
My old gallbladder removal scar and tissue beneath is swollen, distended. It hurts depending where I sit. I believe it's surgical adhesion, my organs are "stuck" with scar tissue to muscle and fat above instead of slipping around nicely beneath. It's an unpleasant sensation.
I tried to get the backyard tap to work but the automatic watering system that was bolted onto it defeated me. No matter the setting I picked I could not get the water to come the fuck out. I started unscrewing the system so as to bolt the hose directly to the tap with my trembling, coordination-robbed hands, thought better of it knowing I lacked the dexterity to put it back or even connect the hose to the tap at all, then screwed it all back up and left it.I felt utterly useless.
It's rare to have a double-attack day but the first one primed the second and I cooked off. The second time I was crying under a crossroads sign as the rain fell, huddled, pulled into myself like I could retract deep into my being as pain, anger, sadness and loss collapsed into a single miserable singularity. Then I snapped out of it, fixed things, then had another attack but this time in a safe place where afterwards I'd feel better.That's what it is to live with psychological injury.
SoTPC the exercise bike has been consigned to the discard pile and a new steed, Daughter of Son of The Purgatory Cart, or DoSoTPC, is in its place with thanks to thewife who assembled it from the box (1).But, in the interests of ease-of-use and in tribute to man meets machine in a perfect resolution, I shall call it "Betsy".
We were waiting as a family at the optometrists when a baby just inside the room started screaming. I was sitting down when it happened. theboy stepped forward and immediately clasped his hands over my ears to dampen the noise in case it triggered an anxiety attack. I was using my phone at the time. He's less than 10. That he thinks to do that is amazing; that he feels he has to is a black lump of crud at the back of the microwave. I have an amazing, caring, empathetic child.
I had a series of space outs whilst trying to sleep, space outs that robbed me of sleep because I just got mad during them and that drove away the falling asleep part.I was up past three.A anger-can't-sleep series of space outs hasn't happened in a while. I blame the stir up from recent success and success-spawned brooding.Sometimes I just have to discharge it during the day with spitting oratory at an imagined audience.But it's part and parcel of the heal and weal.