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Articles from Harrangue Man

My body sounds like a ship under sail

July 10, 2021 - 00:22 -- Admin

I've seen enough pirate movies to know how a sailing ship sounds and if turns out it sounds like me: creaks and groans, bubbling, seagulls and nautical swearing. The bubbling is my gut that I unhelpfully filled with ice-cream and creaks (with pops) is gas escaping joints in my neck and knees. 

My unfavourite is the neck hiss, I feel the gas squeaking out as lungs back with a wheeze. And it's loud, so loud, like a death rattle of some Lovecraftian filth.

Cat bleat

July 9, 2021 - 11:57 -- Admin

Anyone who loves sheep has clearly never had contact with sheep and their bleating is especially annoying---loud, noxious and unpleasant. 

Cats are supposed to purr or mew; not bleat. The black cat snuck in on a door-cracked enquiry, alighted onto the bed, sped up my body like an animie character with a sword then bleated the fuck right into my ear like a sheep would if it could---and it would, if it could, believe me. If you think different then you don't know sheep.

This snotty nose is brought to you by Subway

July 4, 2021 - 08:12 -- Admin

We had Subway via Uber Eats and, like McDonald’s, it came with a shit ton of paper napkins.

I usually stack them on the counter then one day they’re gone — presumably to chase mice on a nice farm upstate — but with only one box of tissues in play I souvenired them for my bedside bookshelf for future me to use instead of fishing a likely still damp tissue from the bin then scanning for the driest spot to unload my nose.

French kings

July 4, 2021 - 07:17 -- Admin

I don’t know how the wiki jaunt started but it kicked in before dawn as pain danced upon my body and I scanned through wikis of French kings, entranced at their machinations and ever so occasional improvements made to administration and governance.

Mostly I got excited by the rich death rate of anyone named dauphin (heir) with one poor family chewing through three sons before the fourth made it to king.

Molestation money!

July 3, 2021 - 08:22 -- Admin

Thanks to fully one third of my lifetime sexual contacts being a middle-aged pederest with faked credentials---his pervert school was not accreditted---I received recognition for a life derailment in the form of some tasty cash. I piously decided to keep it all. Occasionally I will spend a chunk on a worthy me funtime project of Operation YesPlease! and I just dropped some bucks on a two-year subscription. 

Wad shot into my arse

June 30, 2021 - 15:23 -- Admin

Well, it was more like the zone between the upper thigh and arse and it was steroids but fuck me, I felt the fluid go in. 

I had great handlers for the job though it was surreal since I was wearing a mask just like them; "Two can play at that game!" I said on check in to the masked receptionist who had been wearing a mask since March of last year. It's only just now in Canberra we all have to mask up if interacting with the public. 

Gassy daddy

June 29, 2021 - 17:36 -- Admin

I'm on opiates for a bursa and the classic and deeply classy side-effect of constipation and gas is in full fetid flower.

I went for a ride to shift it and shifted nothing. I got home after 24 minutes and as I stepped away from the bike I bellowed a fart so pure and deep it warped space-time.

I had to wait two minutes for it to clear lest I track it in on entry.

Gassy daddy---it's decidedly not a gas.

Pity for DJT

June 25, 2021 - 20:00 -- Admin

I was talking to my son about DJT about how he was broken as a child and never repaired.

He was two and a half when his mum went away for a year for recovery and his dad was a sociopath who maliciously harmed his children.

I re-read Mary Trump's book for the chapter on this event and the outcome of it created the person he is.