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Articles from Harrangue Man

Dusk ride

July 27, 2021 - 17:42 -- Admin

I went for a dusk ride and it was deliciously cold The path has a fresh layer, a black ribbon neatly edged against grass, so no more testicular-shuddering* on divots and ruts. 

Reasonable traffic and quiet, clean air—Canberra is bliss.

*Vaginal jarring?

Four wounds

July 24, 2021 - 22:37 -- Admin

I confessed to my psych that I'd relapsed on picking at my body with four wound sites of face, shoulder, thigh and foot (which sounds like a firm of injury lawyers). 

She said giving up self-harm is as hard as nixing heroin. 

Transmitter of lies!

July 24, 2021 - 12:49 -- Admin

I just uploaded that biblical sounding effort after my tall tale about the time Cat#2 attacked theboy by leaping on his head and a claw snagged his eyelid and" pulled it out like a turkey" was dismissed as a falsehood. 

Exaggerated cat attacks should have the same spousal myth-support protections as Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

I'm not sure what I meant by "pulled it out like a turkey"; I guess what ever image your mind mapped there is your truth.

My body sounds like a ship under sail

July 10, 2021 - 00:22 -- Admin

I've seen enough pirate movies to know how a sailing ship sounds and if turns out it sounds like me: creaks and groans, bubbling, seagulls and nautical swearing. The bubbling is my gut that I unhelpfully filled with ice-cream and creaks (with pops) is gas escaping joints in my neck and knees. 

My unfavourite is the neck hiss, I feel the gas squeaking out as lungs back with a wheeze. And it's loud, so loud, like a death rattle of some Lovecraftian filth.

Cat bleat

July 9, 2021 - 11:57 -- Admin

Anyone who loves sheep has clearly never had contact with sheep and their bleating is especially annoying---loud, noxious and unpleasant. 

Cats are supposed to purr or mew; not bleat. The black cat snuck in on a door-cracked enquiry, alighted onto the bed, sped up my body like an animie character with a sword then bleated the fuck right into my ear like a sheep would if it could---and it would, if it could, believe me. If you think different then you don't know sheep.

This snotty nose is brought to you by Subway

July 4, 2021 - 08:12 -- Admin

We had Subway via Uber Eats and, like McDonald’s, it came with a shit ton of paper napkins.

I usually stack them on the counter then one day they’re gone — presumably to chase mice on a nice farm upstate — but with only one box of tissues in play I souvenired them for my bedside bookshelf for future me to use instead of fishing a likely still damp tissue from the bin then scanning for the driest spot to unload my nose.

French kings

July 4, 2021 - 07:17 -- Admin

I don’t know how the wiki jaunt started but it kicked in before dawn as pain danced upon my body and I scanned through wikis of French kings, entranced at their machinations and ever so occasional improvements made to administration and governance.

Mostly I got excited by the rich death rate of anyone named dauphin (heir) with one poor family chewing through three sons before the fourth made it to king.

Molestation money!

July 3, 2021 - 08:22 -- Admin

Thanks to fully one third of my lifetime sexual contacts being a middle-aged pederest with faked credentials---his pervert school was not accreditted---I received recognition for a life derailment in the form of some tasty cash. I piously decided to keep it all. Occasionally I will spend a chunk on a worthy me funtime project of Operation YesPlease! and I just dropped some bucks on a two-year subscription. 

Wad shot into my arse

June 30, 2021 - 15:23 -- Admin

Well, it was more like the zone between the upper thigh and arse and it was steroids but fuck me, I felt the fluid go in. 

I had great handlers for the job though it was surreal since I was wearing a mask just like them; "Two can play at that game!" I said on check in to the masked receptionist who had been wearing a mask since March of last year. It's only just now in Canberra we all have to mask up if interacting with the public.