With thanks to The Beach BoysBecause I have PTSD, if I am also physically vulnerable then my anxiety level is up and my wounded brain interprets some sounds as threats.Being half-naked and facing away from the door in a metal shed makes me feel vulnerable. A bunch of metal on metal noises happened outside and I asked for who it was to go away because my brain treated then as scary noises. They did, but then they came back for more activity.
Articles from Harrangue Man
I was grappling with my past when a karmic moment dropped—their hate made me beautiful.I spent a childhood smothered in negativity from my diversion to the norm—that my mother caused—which caused on-set of depression at ten.It never left; it will never go.
I wasn't this error prone when working but I just did a typical re-read of an email and re-sent it because there was a mistake that needed to be corrected. It was the second re-send.I know why it is; it's because when I am drafting these emails it's traumatic and my upside-down brain is screaming at me to get it done as quick as possible.
theboy has some sort of deal where he can send me text messages from his iPad and it doesn't cost us anything.Then he texted a pic of Santa and added "That's my Dad".I feel like Jerry Seinfeld after The Puffy Shirt; there's no come-back to that.
Today in chicken land the chickens tried and decided:Granny Smith apple, skin-side-out (equals) no.Granny Smith apple, inside-facing-out or already skinned (equals) yesThree-legged cockroach who had four legs until I stepped on it that I then picked it up with my human fingers and threw it into the pen to a Polish scruff (equals) yes. theboy does not like the GS type of apple so they're all for the chickens now.
It was after the shower it got me; the desire to claw at my face. I kept it up right until the others got home. I greeted them then hid in the shed to pick some more until thewife came in and asked what I was doing."I am hiding in here so I can pick my face," I said. She asked what happened to the cream-plus-bandaid-after-shower plan, after having put a fresh dressing on me in my sleep to stop this sort of shit.
My safe place is the shower. It's what I think of when stressed and when stressed it's something I like to do.I spent the morning backsliding on OCPD picking of my face. I did it knowingly and with malice to my own self. It felt good to do it and I was sane enough to know I should not be.I felt I could tear the scar tissue from my face again and tried to do that.
I had the free Miedicare scan for a 40+ male and sat with a nurse to hear the results. I got weighted and measured too. It was mostly awful—too much bad fat, not enough good and too big in the tummy. I protested I was genetically six foot three but I don't think she believed me. My sugar level is still below six but I had gained four kilos since the last weigh two years before and they said if I kept going I would end up a type two diabetic.
My favourite bit is the old lady running.