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Home not alone

December 16, 2017 - 11:51 -- Admin

With the traditional Ozzer cultural downtime for the Christmas and New Year combined with Summer school holidays it means my home alone time has come to an end. I had 2017 off and spent almost all my time—apart from going to therapy—home alone. So during the day I was free to be me and that included angry singing.I was angry singing to "Sabotage" when theboy opened the door of the shed and looked in, worry writ across his face.He thought I'd cooked off into an angry emotional PTSD-fuelled state and was doing shed-based ranting because that's what it sounded like outside because my voice was louder and the music muted; it just sounded like furious speechifying. I'd tripped him into a pre-flight fight response which my family has because of my condition; if I am in a "outside reason" state then it's frightening and distressing to see. I told him what I was doing but he still walked away worried because his brain and body had been put into a trigger state by what appeared to be daddy having one of his attacks. He would then have either tried to calm me or get his phone and called mum for help.I'm no longer home alone so I have to curb that habit; angry singing may make me feel good in the moment but it heightens my emotions for a potential trigger latter that day and now it impacts on others. I feel great when I do it; it sounds scary as fuck to them when I do.This year was a blessing; just being at home and in treatment. But I baked in some bad habits—I had an angry shout ride on the BYB yesterday—in the time away and now I'm not home alone I have to actively stop them. To see the look of frightened worry etched deep into your child's face because they fear you've gone over to the dark side of angry non-reason is deeply confronting. PTSD is contagious; the people around you the most know your triggers and they go into a heightened state when one happens because they're worried you're going to cook off.And even when you're not, if you sound like you are then they rightly think you are as well. I'm not home alone and the merry season is upon us. In the spirit of the season I'll go positive. Because I'm in company now, the company I most love, and it's a horror seeing your son open your door to check to see if  you've gone insane so he can then deal with the getting his father through it if he has.